Surgery Update

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Ugh. So. I should have had my surgery a week ago, but here I am with my digestive system still in the same configuration it’s always been.

Friday before surgery, I got a call from my surgeon’s office saying they forgot to send in my information to my new insurance company, but they’ll send it in first thing on Monday and we’ll go from there. There was an opening for surgery tomorrow, so no big. Then I get a call Wednesday. My new insurance said absolutely not because even though I lost 25 pounds in the past month, I was still .2lb more than when I started this whole thing. If I want to, I can lose another 10 this month and they’ll consider it, but I’ll probably have to go through the whole six months of bullshit again.

Yeah, not happening. I’ve put off applying for jobs for over a month since I was waiting for this surgery. I don’t have time for this. Plus, so much bad shit has happened since I started trying to have this surgery three years ago that I’m taking this as a big sign that I shouldn’t have it done right now.

I did have a little bit of a pissed-off eating binge, but I got everything back under control. My very fabulous friend Robin (who just went through WLS herself) told me I have 48 hours and then I have to get myself together. So I did. And here I am.

I’ve been applying for jobs like crazy over the past week. Being poor is the worst. I’ve sold a couple of cross stitch things, at least, and my Jamberry business is still going strong, but I really do need regular employment. Praying to Norma something good happens soon.

And all Norma's people said...
And all Norma’s people said…

Preop Diet Day 7

One week down, one week to go.

If you can’t handle poop talk, it’s best to click away now. I suggest Free Code Camp. Or InternetIsBeautiful.

Okay.

So.

mydehydrationTo review, my pre-op diet is 3-4 high protein shakes a day, plus a small dinner that includes protein and veggies. And all the water I can handle between all of that. I’ve only hit 3 protein shakes one day that I can think of. Four shakes seems out of control. Especially considering that all of these protein shakes make me shit forever. According to everyone I’ve asked in the various weight-loss surgery groups I’m in on Facebook, this is normal. This shouldn’t be normal. This is torture. I’m, like, afraid to leave my house. Speaking of.

I had my sleep study on Friday night. I think I would have rather have been home pooping. I mean, the people there were nice and the bed was comfy, but how do they expect anyone to sleep with all that stuff attached everywhere? Also no one warned me there would be BIG GLOPS OF GLUE in my hair. I have my second sleep study this Friday and I’m seriously considering shaving my head before then. They woke me up and sent me on my way at 4:15 in the morning, so I got to drive in the dark while still half asleep, then had to almost break into my house because the door was locked and everyone was asleep and I forgot I had a key, THEN wash my hair like 34 times to get it all out. And then I passed out and slept until noon. It was pretty eventful. Super excited to do it all over again!

I also had my preop blood work, chest x-ray, and anesthesia consultation on Friday before my sleep study. Pretty sure they took all of my blood. It was kind of stressful. I think I might be dehydrated (see image above) because I almost passed out when I was watching them take my blood. I usually love that. I think it’s fascinating. Not this time. Nope. Also could not pee in a cup no matter how much water they gave me. It was fun. You guys are learning so much about me today.

I can’t believe I’m having this surgery in a week. This is nuts. I just want to get it over with at this point, but I’m sure I’ll be freaking out by the end of the week. As much as I hate this semi-liquid diet, I’m kind of glad I’m on it now so I’m sorta used to doing it for a few weeks after surgery. I really just want an Asiago cheese bagel from Einstein Bros. right now, though. homerdrooling.gif

Bye, blog.

Preop Diet Day 1.

Two weeks from now, my guts will have been rearranged and I’ll probably be miserable. Yikes. Today, though, is my first day on the gastric bypass pre-op diet, which is 3-4 protein shakes and a small dinner (think one chicken breast and a side of veggeis) for the next two weeks. I’m not mad about it yet. I’m sure I’ll be mad about it by tomorrow. Food has been my best friend since I was, like, 5. I’m still working through The Beck Diet Solution, which is not so much about dieting as it is using cognitive therapy to work on your relationship with food. I started reading it a few months ago when I had my psychological evaluation for surgery and the therapist I saw recommended it, but I kind of forgot about it until recently. It’s been helpful, though.

My life rn.
My life rn.

I’ve been applying for so many jobs for after surgery. No calls back yet. I still haven’t received my first unemployment payment yet and it’s been well over a month since I filed. Being poor is terrible. I have -$80 in my checking account because I was like $10 short on my Geico automatic payment and got overdrafted to death. And I just remembered my car payment is due today. Ugh. I should probably put on pants and go to the bank and deposit the last of my cash. I just typed “the last of my pants.” I have lots of pants. If Honda would take pants as payment, I’d be all set. Five more payments to go and the CARDIS is all mine!

If you want to help my poor ass be less poor, you can buy some Jamberry from me. Or maybe some of my cross stitch stuff. It’s seriously my life right now.

Okay. Pants. Bank. 2-3 more protein shakes before I can chew something. I’ve got this.

Ch-ch-changes

Everything in my life went crazy since I last blogged. If this isn’t the place to list my grievances, I don’t know where else to do it!

  • I gave my boss my surgery date. About a month later, I was called into the office with her and the HR guy and fired. It seems as though they started building a case to fire me as soon as we had that meeting about surgery. I have a feeling it had something to do with us losing a big contract we never should have taken on to begin with and needing to cut costs. They had already fired two other long-time employees. I’m pretty sure they weren’t made to feel like the worst person in the world when they were fired, though. Whatever.
  • The main reason they gave me for termination is that I sent a threatening email about another employee to my friends who worked across the room. The email said, “If this guy keeps looking at me, I’m going to kill him.” Or something like that. The guy seriously never stopped staring at me all day long. It was awful. Apparently HR was reading my emails looking for incriminating stuff for their termination case and this sounded super duper threatening and real and not like me just being frustrated at this guy glaring at me all day long. Double whatever.
  • They seriously told the unemployment office that my emailing my work friends was the biggest contributing factor to low morale in our department, therefore I shouldn’t get UC benefits. Low morale had nothing to do with how they have everyone on edge there about losing their jobs, force mandatory overtime on everyone at the last minute, micromanage every single thing, and pay next to nothing. It was all me. That place must be awesome now.
  • My surgery is still on. So far, anyway. I had to reschedule it for July 27th. When I was fired, they fired me on a Thursday and made sure my insurance was canceled on Sunday. Medicaid doesn’t kick in until the 15th.
  • Medicaid requires bariatric surgery candidates to prove weight loss during the six months before surgery. My old insurance, shitty as it was, didn’t require that. I gained 20 pounds, mostly after my grandmother passed away. I just found out yesterday I have until the 15th to lose at least 20 pounds. I have faith in myself that I can do this. I just don’t wanna do it.
  • I’m really, really super poor. Like, my job paid poverty wages, but I could really use those poverty wages right now. My skin has cleared up from not being stressed 24/7, though, so there’s that.
  • No one wants to hire me.
  • I’ve watched so much daytime TV in the past few weeks. I want to replace Carla on The Chew.
  • Kelly Ripa just said “Bye, Felicias!” several times. Make it stop.
  • I have four classes left in my Master’s degree. My plan was originally to leave my job after my surgery or after my degree. I guess we’re moving that up a bit. I should be done in December, though. Then I don’t know what I’m going to do. I need to find a cheaper way of learning.
  • I’m kind of freelancing now. Meaning I have zero current clients, but I’m working on it, if anyone asks. Sitting around doing nothing/watching Netflix was only fun for a couple of days. I feel like I’m losing my mind.

Do I sound depressed? I don’t want to be depressed. Ugh. This whole situation is just so shitty. This is probably the best thing that ever happened to me, though. That job was killing me. And now I have so much time to think about blogging but never actually do it! How exciting.

Is this thing on?

I’ve had this note on my whiteboard for the past three months that just says “blog.” I guess it’s time to do something about that, so here I am.

I always say I want to write more regularly, but I can’t ever make myself do it, especially now that school is over. Here’s the thing, though.

I finally have a surgery date.

I’ll be having gastric bypass on July 6th.

Yipes.

I’m also going on vacation for the first time in forever the week of June 21st. I have to have two weeks of a semi-liquid diet, meaning 3-4 protein shakes instead of breakfast and lunch, then a small dinner. Guess when this starts! June 22nd! Yay! This is going to be the best vacation. I’ve been having food funerals for like three weeks now. I think I’ve gained like 20 pounds, but it’s been a delicious 20 pounds.

So, yeah. I’m going to write about this whole thing. I am. I swear. I’m gonna do it.

In other news, I became a Jamberry independent consultant a few months ago. I know, right? That doesn’t sound like my thing at all. I’m surprised, too! It’s totally my thing now. Over the past two months, I’ve made almost as much with Jamberry as I have with my regular job. It’s pretty crazy. Want a free sample? You do. I know you do. Click here and let me know.

That’s really all I’ve got for now. I just wanted to feel less stressed about the note on my whiteboard, tbh. I love you all very much. Have a good night. Make good choices. I’ll see you soon.

How to restart a blog you abandoned.

Hey, blog.

It’s been a minute, huh? Yikes. I missed you. I had a bit of a breaking point that made me want to start blogging again, but I’ll get to that later. Let’s talk about what I’ve been doing since June.

  • I did go to that CrossFit class. I went to three, actually. I didn’t die, obvs, but I wanted to. But in a good way. I’m just too poor to actually go to them for realsies.
  • I started grad school! I’m working on a Master of Professional Writing at Chatham University in Pittsburgh. I’m in the second week of my second term and I love it.
  • Still hanging out with chickens. They’re grown-ass women now, laying eggs and everything. They grow up so quick.
  • I’m back in bariatric surgery mode. I know, I know. I just think this is the best thing for me. I’m tired of feeling like shit. Surgery should be sometime this spring.
  • That’s…really it. Damn. My life is boring.

So, the breaking point. I joined a biggest loser challenge thing at the gym where I took the CrossFit classes. I had to get weighed in today and I was over the measurable limit on the scale. I almost cried. About my weight. For the first time since high school. Not even cool. I have to lose about 30 pounds for surgery, which is 10% of where I’m at now. This is doable. I met one of my teammates and our coach tonight and we did a little circuit workout, which was great. I’ve been doing whatever workout videos I find online/in random drawers in my bedroom, so it was nice to actually have some social interaction while my glasses are sweat-sliding down my face.

I guess it’s back to the C’mon, Fatso of 2010, then, huh? Good to see you again.

Still the truth.
Still the truth.

Hiatus.

Well, friends. I finally did it. I went an entire month without writing anything at all. It wasn’t intentional, but it happened. I have ideas for this blog. Big ones. Ones that’ll work best when my life isn’t chaotic. Until then, let’s call a hiatus. It’s not you. It’s certainly me.

In the meantime, here are some of my highest-rated/most-read posts over the past fiveish years.

Death by Icebreakers — That time I almost keeled over in Target because of a mint. My top post!

My pastor called me fat — One of my favorite stories from the cult.

Fat girl at the gym — The first time I ever went to a real gym. My second-top post!

Here we are. — My first post ever!

I’m fat and I love myself — Last but certainly not least, an ode to myself because I am amazing.

See you soon, blog.

 

Image
It’s true. I do.

ps. I’m going to CrossFit tomorrow so I may be dead in 24 hours.

Contemplating adulthood

When I was in high school, I used to daydream about what it was going to be like to be a grownup. Like, I would probably spend Friday nights with my obscenely cool friends, drinking Cosmos and talking to cute guys. Then I’d come home to my Felicity-like huge apartment, snuggle up in my gigantic bed with one of those big, cuddly down comforters, go to sleep, and wake up around 11:00 to go to brunch with the same impossibly hip people.

But really, I’m spending Friday night half asleep. Three glasses of wine and I’m done for the night, lying in (my tiny, tiny) bed (in my parents’ house) by 9:30, scrolling absentmindedly through Pinterest and trying to decide if I want to sleep now or blog now. Obviously, I’m blogging now. Why? Because I like you.

And my best friends right now happen to be the six chickens I got last weekend. If we’re friends on any sort of social media, you know that I am absolutely smitten by these ladies. It’s ridiculous. I’ve never really wanted kids. This is the closest I’m going to get. And I’m okay with that.  Bailey isn’t. She hates them. And they’re going to be bigger than her in a few months. Or probably less. The last class I took that involved chickens was in 1999. I was in FFA. Future Farmers of America. And now I type for a living.

So, I’m over the Whole 30 thing. It was turning into an eating disorder for me. Food is meant to be enjoyed, damn it. I’ve been working on a post in my mind about the whole thing all week, but right now I can’t find the words I wanted. Seriously, three small glasses of wine. What happened to me? But yeah. Let’s get a pizza sometime. You know who you are*.

Good night, blog. See you in a few weeks or maybe tomorrow or maybe next year. I don’t know.

Here’s a picture, for the sake of having a preview picture when I post this on Facebook. This is how I try to live my life. You should, too.

pee

 

 

*I mean you, whoever’s reading this. I probably like you, and I love pizza more than I like most people. I also really like nachos and bad movies. Let’s go out.

 

In which she ate everything and needs a nap.

Hello, friends!

Let’s talk about my food issues because that’s the most consuming thing in my life right now, okay? I spent the week before last eating pretty much whatever and it was miserable. Then I got back on Whole 30 for a week. Then I decided that weekends are cheat days. Like, today I ate french toast for breakfast and dinner and had pizza yesterday and I couldn’t be happier. Except for the part where I’m exhausted right now and my face is all dried out. One of these weekends, I’ll say, “Hey, Sierra. Cheat days sound great! They really do! But they’re not worth that food hangover on Monday, so let’s stop doing this.” I’m not counting on it happening anytime soon, though. I really love pizza and french toast. And I’ve been keeping track of my weight a little more than usual lately, and I lose more when I eat what I want on the weekends, then go back to paleo on weekdays. And it makes making lunches for work a lot easier. Even if that lunch is just like three oranges and a Lara bar. Is that really paleo, though? Don’t really care.

Speaking of work, I think I’ve pinpointed my anxiety trigger right now, and that’s what it is. I’m fine on weekends, until about this time of night on Sunday when I’m just a neurotic mess. I think things would be different if I had a job I loved. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut right now because I’ve pretty much gone as far as I can go in this career. And it’s apparently my turn on management’s hate list. I can’t do anything right at work right now, it seems. Hopefully they move on to someone else soon. My stays are usually pretty short. We’re going on three weeks now. It’s stressful. And I just realized that I whined about my job in my last blog, but you don’t mind, right?

I keep making lists of things I would do if I didn’t have to work. Like, what I would do if money wasn’t a big deal. I think I would spend at least three weeks of lying around, watching Netflix, and eating a lot, but eventually I’d probably start writing more, blogging more, and maybe start the photography business I’ve wanted to start since high school. Can I even make money doing these things? Probably not. The only book idea I ever had was basically Divergent, but with two more factions. And I didn’t call them factions. And it all existed in my head and probably came about because I heard about the Divergent series somewhere a few years ago. I don’t know. I’m supposed to be writing a blog about job hunting (I know, I know) for my local paper, but I haven’t started that yet. And I lost my DSLR. I think it’s probably under the mountain of laundry in my bedroom right now. But if you live by me, I will find it and shoot the shit out of you!

When I graduated college, I never imagined that I would be dead tired and ready for bed at 8:30 every night, but, man. I need to go to sleep.  Here’s this. It’s true. I love you. See you around, blog friends.

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Whole 30 Wrap-up.

First: Apologies to Facebook friends, because I haven’t shut up about this damn thing since I started it, and I’m going to post this blog in just a second, so you’ll be seeing this as the preview.

Okay.

So, I did it. I finished the Whole 30. 30 days without the three best friends that anyone could have (grains, sugar, and dairy) and other things I don’t generally partake in anyway (legumes/beans, alcohol). How am I feeling?

Bloated and sick.

Why? Because I decided this weekend would be a free-for-all and ate so much nonsense. Chipotle, pizza, pretzel dessert, and a bowl of cornflakes I’ve been craving for weeks.

Yeah. I didn’t take the reintroduction phase too seriously. Ugh. Wish I would have. But other than that, I had a really fantastic month. I was more awake and alert, my skin was phenomenal, I was rarely hungry, and I lost enough inches that I could fit into an entirely new (well, old) segment of my closet that I haven’t been able to wear for months.

Official numbers:

-17 pounds.
-17.5 inches.
-2 dress sizes.

Holy crap, right? I never even lost that much on the three (total) years I was on Weight Watchers.

It wasn’t an easy month, but it wasn’t the hardest thing ever. I was very rarely hungry (except that one time when I forgot my lunch at home and I was so hungry at work that my hands were sweaty. My hands are never sweaty.) My biggest issue with the program is that they seem to have something against just enjoying food for what it is. And I really love food. The hardest part for me ended up being drinking my coffee black, which is something I did for years until I started frequenting Starbucks regularly when I started captioning. Starting the third week of this, though, I found myself drinking it without even making an involuntary face like I was before, so that was cool. Pro tip: If it’s too much for you, drink it black over ice. Seriously. I don’t know why, but that helps so much.

So, what’s next?

I’ve decided to do one each month until I’m feeling 100% healthy. Or at least 90%. No actual weight goal. I’ve done a lot of thinking about my philosophy of fat acceptance/self-acceptance, and I believe the best thing I can do for myself right now is lose weight and get into some sort of shape. I certainly don’t want to be a size 0, but I do want to be able to run races and hike crazy trails and do stuff like that. The amount of energy I had in January was outstanding. So, Whole 30 every month, then one day (not a whole weekend like this time, because I seriously feel so terrible right now) where I can eat one thing I’ve been craving like mad.

Oh, I’ve also joined a dietbet for February. I need to lose 12.6 pounds. I have 9 left to go. The pot is currently $150,000+ and I’m just really hoping I’m the only one who loses the whole 4% because I need to pay off my loans.

So, in summary, loved the Whole 30, going to do it again, body-acceptance includes losing weight, and I’m poor.

I DID.
I DID.