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Why I hate bacon.

First up, the weigh in:

Starting: 303.9
Last week: 291.0
This week: 290.8
Weekly total: -2
Overall Total: -13.1

Okay, so, I didn’t totally undo the damage I did last week. You know what? I don’t give a shit. This is what I’ve done since last Wednesday:

1. Yesterday, I walked a 5k. Three months ago, I could barely walk a mile, let alone three and some change.

2. I walked 13 miles total, at around a 15 minute/mile pace.

3. I lost 5.6 inches from my butt, waist, arms, and thighs. My thighs are now almost the size of a normal woman’s torso!

4. Tracked ALL of my food. I don’t think I’ve done this for a full week ever. I usually stop tracking after 10pm. ha.

I’ll take the .2lb loss and not whine about it. I worked my ass off (literally. I lost two inches of it.) this week and I can’t ask for anything more.  I had a minor run in with a Bloomin’ Onion last night and, for the first time since I started all of this, I don’t feel guilty. I ate like the healthiest person alive most of the week. I deserve a little greasy goodness.

Anyway, on to my bacon story.

I hate bacon. This is a new thing for me. I used to be able to eat an entire package of it in one sitting. I made friends with the cafeteria ladies in college just so I could get extra. I could live on a diet of bacon sandwiches (with buttered toast for the bread. This is what my ass is made of.) A week ago, everything changed.

One morning, I woke up in the best way possible: to the sounds and smells of bacon cooking downstairs. My grandmother was making a big pot of green beans before they went bad and she was making bacon to in the water with them. I hate when bad things like this are done to good beans. I like my green beans barely cooked, crunchy and nearly raw. But, whatever. She made bacon and there were a few pieces left in the skillet so I ate one before going on my walk. On my way back, I remembered that I was supposed to meet my mother at Walmart in an hour.  I was starving and there happened to be another piece of bacon in the skillet. I’ve been trying to cut back on the bacon because, well, it’s bacon. It’s not good for anyone. I figured one little piece wouldn’t hurt. I was wrong.

On my way through the kitchen to the laundry room to change, I grabbed a piece and popped it in my mouth. As I’m changing, I realized something was wrong. Really, really wrong. I finished eating it anyway, because, well, there was nowhere to put a half-chewed slice of pig. The taste was horrible. When I came back out to the kitchen, I found out what was wrong.

These were the pieces of bacon that were soaking in the green beans for the past three hours.

What. The. Hell.

What I thought was grease was actually bean juice (That’s what I’m calling it, anyway.) The only flavor remaining in it was a hint of that fake smoked flavoring that usually tastes so wonderful when fried in a gallon of grease. The texture was what you would expect bacon to be like if it were soaked in water for hours. Soggy meat is nothing to joke about, friends. It’s the worst thing in the world. The whole way to the store, I kept thinking about what I just ingested and it took a lot for me not to pull over and throw up. Seriously. I’m starting to gag just thinking about it.

I thought this aversion to God’s gift to humans would go away after a day or so. Nuh-uh. The smell of bacon officially turns my stomach and I don’t even want to see it or have it anywhere near me.


Bacon tea.

Almost every day at work, I buy a tea from Giant Eagle. Their generic Market District teas are my favorite drink in the world.  Friday, I saw a new flavor. It was Green Tea with Clementine. “Hey,” I thought, “I like green tea AND I like clementines! This is going to be awesome!” And, so, I bought it and headed back down the hill to work.

It tasted like the soggy bacon. It was bad enough that I don’t want any of their teas.

One bad incident and I no longer like my favorite food or my favorite drink. I am very sad about it.

In other news, I’m going to be updating this blog at least three times a week. I have a nice sized Google doc full of ideas for posts. I seriously can’t believe how many people read this when I update it. It’s encouraging. Thanks, guys. 🙂

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9 thoughts on “Why I hate bacon.

  1. I really enjoyed reading this. I can almost hear you telling me this story!
    Oh and i got my thing in the mail the other day!!
    Be expecting a return letter!!

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