Weigh In

How to lose 5lbs in one day.

Starting: 303.9
Last week: 291.8
This week: 286
Weekly total: -5.8
Overall Total: -17.9

When I weighed in yesterday morning before work (and before my meeting), it seemed that the scale didn’t change. This morning when I woke up, I was nearly six pounds lighter. How did I do that, you ask? It’s easy!

You do it like this:

And you add in a bit of this:

Sprinkle in a big scoop of adrenaline (toss a bit over your shoulder for luck), and voilá! 5lbs lost.

Here’s the skinny: (ha! skinny. I crack myself up.)

I left work last night and was headed toward my Weight Watchers meeting. Knowing that the right lane on this particular road was closed about a mile ahead, I merged on over to the left lane. So far, so good, right? Gorgeous day for October in Pennsylvania. Windows down, Mumford and Sons going (nothing can go wrong with them on my radio). I glanced down at my speedometer for half a second and the next thing I know, the big green van that was once right next to me was stopped directly in front of me, kind of sideways. I had about 20 feet in which to stop my car.

All I remember is a big screech, a bigger boom, and the next thing I remember is jumping out of my car thinking it’s on fire, yelling that I can’t see anything and need to call my mother.

I couldn’t see anything because, when the airbag deployed, it knocked my glasses up and off of my head and out the window, on to Route 19. By the time one of the firemen managed to get them, they were in a million pieces. They only found one lens.

I spent my night in the emergency room, doped up on Percocet, resisting the urge to scream “Weeeeeeeeee! Weee wee weeeeeee!” when being wheeled around to get various scans and x-rays.

After spending almost 9 hours in the ER, the diagnosis was a sprained ankle and wrist, chest, arm, and stomach contusions. Lots of cuts and bruises. It hurts to breathe, bend over, pick up things, or get out of bed. I’m only really updating this so I can send people the link instead of explaining the story a million times over.

So, there it is. Since I live in America, I should probably put a disclaimer saying that I am not a doctor and I’m not giving medical advice. If you choose to employ this method to lose 5lbs in one day, I am not responsible (and I wouldn’t wish this on even Sarah Palin. That was the scariest experience of my life.) for your stupidity.

 

Update

I just got a good look at my car when the wrecker brought it over so I could get my stuff out. There was a red car who hit my back drivers side. An eyewitness had told me he saw a red car hit me, but I didn’t believe him. I didn’t feel it. This makes complete sense as to why I hit into the back of that van even though I hit my breaks and slowed down enough to miss him. I just emailed and left voice mail for my insurance company and police officers and included pictures. Hopefully there were traffic cameras who can catch the guy.

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7 thoughts on “How to lose 5lbs in one day.

  1. I’m so glad you’re alright! Get lots of rest and I’ll be praying you get better quickly!! Thank God it wasn’t worse!!!! Love you! 🙂

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