Dear Weight Watchers,
We need to talk. I’m sorry that I told the whole world we were broken up before I told you. That wasn’t very nice of me and I apologize. I have many, many things to say to you, but I’ll try to limit it to a few.
1. Your expectations. I see you once a week and spend every day in between worried about what you’ll think of me the next time we meet. Do you know how stressful that is? Do you know how hard it is to live by your rules and feel like a failure when you don’t measure up? I’m not sure if you realize the psychological damage that inflicts on a person.
2. Your family. I’m sick of the “oh, you really suck at this” looks I get from your grandmother when I have to weigh in. I’m especially annoyed with how, when I try to ask a valid question (such as, “If I have IBS and immediately poop after eating, do I have to count the points?”), your mother gets angry and gives me this “Please shut up” face before moving on to the next subject.
3. Your OCD. It’s one thing that you expect me to know every single gram of fiber, carbs, fat, and protein in every single bite of food I take. It’s another that you make me dig around the internet for (sometimes non-existent) information about the food at the restaurants I normally eat at. Sure, I can pay $50 for your books and spend about the same amount of time looking up everything, but why? I know I need to eat better, but this is bordering on insane. This brings me to:
4. Your greediness. Like I said above: $50 for your books? Really? It’s bad enough I already feel like I’m seeing a prostitute from paying to see you every week. It’s another that I have to buy the (shitty, shitty, SHITTY) calculator, buy the books, buy the eTools (unless I want to take it back to 1990 and write things down instead of keeping track online), and even buy the food sometimes. You’re ridiculous. I’m awesome. You should be paying me for my company.
5. Your lies. Okay. Let’s be honest here. That picture of Jennifer Hudson you’ve been throwing around everywhere? It has to be photoshopped. I believe that she lost weight on your program, but I don’t believe she has arms like my 8 year old cousin. I think this was the last straw for our relationship. Also, while we’re on the topic: “Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels” is complete bullshit and you should be ashamed of yourself for promoting it.
I really loved you at one point. Please don’t think I didn’t. I’m just past that now. I need to focus on being healthy for myself and not to appease you or your family. If I saved the money that I normally paid you, I could pay for a gym membership. I need than I need you right now. Maybe we’ll get back together down the road, but I can’t see that happening. I wish nothing but the best for you.