I told you I was sick.

My mother is just getting around to seeing most things the internet saw 10 years ago. She thinks that, when I die, I need to have that “I told you I was sick” tombstone that was funny in 1999.

But yeah. So. I have mono. How fun is that?

When I was in St. Louis, my glands in my neck got really swollen and my throat was sore, but it really wasn’t that big of a deal. Stop thinking I got it there because it takes four to six weeks before you have symptoms. I don’t know where I got it. I’m going with someone spit in a drink at Starbucks and I picked up the wrong one. Totally got the wrong latte a few months ago and didn’t realize it until I was at work.

Anyway.

I went to the Urgent Care Clinic for my local hospital after I got home. They took a strep test. Negative, obvs. Then the doctor came in and was very smug and just kind of laughed me and said, “What? You have a cold. What do you want us to do? Want a pamphlet?”

As the month went on, I was sitting at my desk and sweating profusely every day. I couldn’t keep my eyes open at work for about three weeks straight. I thought I was just tired. My neck looks like I have ping-pong ball dermal implants and it hurt to turn it. I finally went to MedExpress (not the same place) yesterday before work. They also did a strep test. Again, obvs negative. Then they took a mono test. Positivo!

They couldn’t believe the other doctor told me I had a cold. Each nurse I saw knew I had mono just looking at me, pretty much. They also couldn’t believe I haven’t been asleep for the past month. About three weeks ago, I gave serious consideration to buying a pillow on my lunch break and stapling it to the side of my cube so I could lean against it while captoining. I was THAT tired. Now I know why.

The doctor told me to go home and rest, then gave me prednisone, which is basically like giving me speed. No resting here. I’m just going to eat all the food and sweat a lot. I spent most of yesterday watching The Biggest Loser because Netflix exploded mid-Lost marathon. They threw out some statistic that the average American spends $44 on Halloween candy every year. I think I surpassed that in September. And I ate it all already. November-1st sales at Walgreens are my favorite. I will probably spend another $44. All in cash. Because I’m only using cash now and it’s the best thing I ever did.

So, yeah. Here I am. I managed to get a day off from work. Monday it’s back to captioning rednecks making misogynistic and weightist jokes and wanting to tear my hair out. At least it’s Halloween. I’m being Bobby Singer from Supernatural. I’m cool like that.

I don’t know what to do with myself this weekend. It snowed about 20 flakes and I refuse to leave the house. I’m just going to sit and drink my tea and watch Lost, I suppose.