I had a near-death experience at Target yesterday. I’m still not quite over it.
After church, I went to eat with some of my fantastic new friends, then went to Target to buy at least a gallon of Sensodyne because the whitening treatment I have to do to get my teeth done is the worst torture of my life. I put the car in park, popped a mint, and walked into the store, happily crunching away because I’m too impatient to just suck on a mint. I was browsing the normal-people clothing section for no real reason when it happened.
I had a heart attack.
I thought I was having a heart attack, at least. Hypochondria. You know how I am.
The back of my throat was suddenly frozen. You know when you eat something really minty and then drink really cold water and it’s magically the coldest feeling on earth? That times 10. In the back of my throat. Every breath I took just made it colder. I could breathe just fine, but I didn’t want to. I was afraid I would end up passing out from lack of oxygen just because I didn’t want to breathe. I’ve been trying to give this pain the description it deserves, but I can’t find the right words anywhere. It was that bad. I ended up kind of lying on top of my cart, trying to figure out what to do. It seemed that the logical thing to do would be to get myself to the grocery aisles and find a room-temperature drink because a cold one was sure to make it worse.
I ran straight down the main aisle, not really caring much what a crying 300lb woman pushing a buggy at top speed looked like to all of the other customers. I arrived in the Gatorade aisle, grabbed a bottle of the first orange kind I saw, and took a big swig right there in the middle of the store, which I am generally opposed to doing.
It felt like something was stabbing my spine, right in the middle of my back. This didn’t help my heart attack theory one bit, I assure you. At this point, I figured the best thing to do was sit down. Breathing as little as possible, I made my way to the bench by pharmacy bathroom area. While I was waiting for it all to subside, I googled “Ice Breakers Frost pain” and found that I’m not alone in this.
I can’t decide if it’s worth it to contact Ice Breakers (Hershey?) and let them know that someone is certainly going to die from their product. If not because of the frozen throat thing, then definitely because they’re neurotic and think they’re having a heart attack and panic-attack themselves to death. That’s absolutely a thing, you know.
I really thought I was going to die in the middle of Target. The last thing I would have ever seen would be poorly sewn shirt dresses and faux-“native” prints. This is scary to think about. I don’t think I was even in that much pain after my car accident. Seriously. It was only about five minutes of intense death-pain, but my throat is still sore. I’m the biggest whiner and I’m sure I’ll be whining about it for the next week. I thought I’d give you guys the exclusive before the media hounds me to talk about it, you know?