I was planning on not doing any sort of ~resolution~ or goal or whatever for the new year, but I decided against it after spending New Year’s Eve watching at least 10 Weight Watchers commercials every break during Not-Dick Clark’s New Year’s Eve party thing with my (absolutely fantastic) family.
2013 goal: No dieting. None. Zip. No keto, no Weight Watchers relapse, no Carbohydrate Addicts’ Diet, nada.
Of course, after I made this decision public (in my house, at least), I was met with a bunch of shaming and snark, with a little “But you did so good on your diet!” thrown in. No. No, I did not “do so good.” I starved myself all day long, then came home and ate all of the food until I passed out at like 8:00, woke up at 5:00, and did it all over again. The entire time I was on my diet for gastric bypass, I felt like total shit. My skin went crazy, I was constantly tired, and I had no desire to do anything or see anyone. I just wanted to eat, watch a little Breaking Bad, then go straight to bed.
Surprisingly (or unsurprisingly, for most people who have been down this path), I haven’t totally gorged myself full of crappy stuff for the past five days. This has probably been the healthiest I’ve eaten in the past year, including when I was on Weight Watchers. Knowing foods aren’t omg so bad or that I’m going over my points or calories or whatever kind of makes me not care if I’m eating them or not. On Weight Watchers, almost every day consisted of eating practically nothing (or exactly nothing) for breakfast, four points or so for lunch, then getting home, looking around the kitchen, and deciding, “40 points of cake for Ravenclaw!” Not making any food off limits or “bad” has left me just eating until I’m satisfied, knowing I can go ahead eat 37 cookies if I really feel like it, but one or two is really all I need, and they’ll still be there after I eat some real food and I’m still hungry. It’s kind of neat. I recommend it to everyone.
I was talking with my ever-dieting sister about how I’m trying to accept my body and be healthy without making weight loss a priority. She seemed pretty supportive and actually listened to me while I was talking, but then later announced to the whole family how I was being stupid and lying about trying to love my fat self since I was all about having gastric bypass like a month ago. It hurt my feelings, but I can see her point. I feel like a giant (pun!) hypocrite about it. I really don’t know what I was thinking. I do not need to purposefully maim and mangle my body, literally starve myself, and possibly shorten my life in order to fit into society’s idea of “healthy.” Deep down, I was looking for a reason not to have it done. I’m kind of glad it happened.
And I might as well throw this in here because I’m on a blogging roll and God knows when I’ll update this again:
I think I’m a bit depressed right now, too, because of my aunt passing (and this whole feeling of my life going absolutely nowhere, but that’s a different story). I haven’t had any of the major panic attacks that completely ruined my life for over a year when Brittani died, so I guess that’s good. I just don’t want to do much of anything or talk to anyone. I feel like I have some kind of church PTSD/social anxiety thing going on, too, if that’s a thing. My old church really messed me up (if you haven’t been able to tell this at all) and I get this really sickening feeling that the people at my new church probably really can’t stand me. Totally blaming the not-so-secret “Sierra is a fat ugly bitch but HEY SIERRA WE LOVE YOU but no really we don’t why won’t you just leave already” club that went on at the cult for years and apparently still goes on there today. I never realized how much that whole experience warped my self-confidence until recently. Like, I’m basically a kicked puppy when it comes to people liking me. I just assume they really don’t. They’re just humoring me. I’m certain that’s not really the case in my current situation, but after dealing with it for so long, it’s hard to get away from feeling that way.
(And I’m not fishing for any “BUT WE DO LOVE YOU” stuff, for the record. I’m just thinking aloud, except I’m really typing. I’ve been thinking this for about two months now, and I just need to get it out somewhere.)
tl;dr: I’m not dieting every again and it’s made me more of a healthy person already, I’m full of feels about everything, I acknowledge that I’m insane, but I’m determined to get out of this funk, even if it means sucking it up and going to a therapist.
I need a tea and a nap. I haven’t written this much in the longest time.
I love you, blog. Let’s stay together forever.
Gossip Girl Lonely Boy (I KNOW, RIGHT?)