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I miss MySpace.

Hey, blog.

I have a theory that if I sit here and talk to you, the post-cupcake-baking explosion in my kitchen will clean itself. I just have to not look at it for awhile. Like that time in high school I ignored my dog’s vomit on the floor and it was just magically gone like 20 minutes later. Just like that. (Rest in peace, Montel Williams. You were a good poodle.)

Meredith tagged me in some thing on Tumblr, but I don’t do any serious business blogging over there, so I’ll answer questions here because I have nothing else to talk about. I should have been in bed two hours ago. I think I’m supposed to tag other people, but I don’t have friends.

1. What was your first job? – I was a bagger at Giant Eagle. My very first day, a guy bought six cucumbers and wanted them each double-bagged separately. I distinctly remember that. And there was zero training. None. I came in, they handed me a smock and said, “Okay, go.” This is why your bags are packed shittily when baggers are present. Just do it yourself. Seriously.

I was upgraded to a cashier like two months later. I remember feeling like death because four hours is a ridiculously long shift and six hours should be illegal, but it went by so much quicker than bagging. One time, I asked to be off on Sundays for church and they demoted me to bagger again until I said FINE I’LL WORK SUNDAYS (but i’m calling off on every single one of them). Longest week of my life.

2. On a scale of 1-10, how much do you hate Nickelback? There isn’t a number to describe the hatred.

3. Dumbledore gives you a cloak of invisibility. Where do you go with it? – Yesterday, I was so tired at work that I was dozing off while typing, and I thought, “Damn, I wish I had an invisibility cloak.” The answer is “under my desk for a nap.”

4. Who are your celebrity crushes? – Oh, please. I’m fan girl extraordinaire. I have a crush on everyone. Shortlist: John Goodman as Dan Conner, the guys who play Dante Falconeri and Johnny Zacchara on General Hospital, Rainn Wilson, Russell Brand, Donald Glover, Jared Padalecki (as Sam, not Dean), Misha Collins, sometimes Jensen Ackles, Christopher Eccleston, David Tennant, Arthur Darvil, Benedict Cumberbatch, Darren Criss, and Adam Driver. So much Adam Driver.

Bonus girl crushes: Beth Ditto and Lena Dunham. I want to make them cakes.

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Also Martin Freeman.

5. Would you rather be the top scientist in your field or get mad cow disease? – It’s dependent on the field, but probably mad cow disease. Science hurts my tiny little female brain.

6. Zero ramifications: who do you wish you could punch in the face? – Rick Santorum or the elder Duggar child. Same person, really.

7. How do you prefer your coffee? – You know, I used to be like BLACK OKAY I’M DRINKING IT BLACK BECAUSE THAT’S HOW IT’S MEANT TO BE but ever since I’ve embraced my supertasting abilities, I’m okay with dumping half a ton of cream in it. If the coffee is even, like, an hour stale, I can taste it and it ruins everything for me. My usual go-to is two packets of splenda and however much cream it takes to get it to be not yet white, but not totally a shade of brown. I can’t explain it. I’d be glad to show you sometime.

8. Have any books inspired your spirituality recently? – Ooh, boy. Out of the myriad of things I’m reading right now, I’d say A Grief Observed by CS Lewis and Still by Lauren Winner would be the biggest two, particularly the first.

“Knock and it shall be opened.’ But does knocking mean hammering and kicking the door like a maniac?” describes exactly how I’m feeling right now. I just baked cupcakes, and while I was putting them away, I started to pull out a Ziploc container to stick one in for Aunt Doll. It’s been three months as of yesterday. I’m still not used to this.

9. What color light saber would you chose in a battle with Jar Jar Binks? – Fun fact: I’ve never seen Star Wars and I only understand the light saber part. I think. That’s the shiny sword thing, right? I’ll say green. I hope that doesn’t mean I’m a loser.

10. Are you original? Are you the only one? Are you sexual? – No, yes, TURN IT DOWN BEFORE MY MOTHER HEARS THAT’S SO EMBARRASSING.

11. YOU BETTER ROCK YO BODY NOW (EVERYBODY, YEEEAH)

My kitchen is still a mess. Damn it.

Bye, blog.

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