I told you I’d be back.
Do you think that it’s easy or difficult for you to connect with people?
I make acquaintances super easy, but friends that I talk to all the time and hang out with frequently? Not so much. I can be a flake. I own it. I’ve had mild social anxiety since junior high. I make really cool friends! Then I start thinking that maybe they’re really just tolerating me and I start panicking about it. It was okay for awhile, then got really bad my senior year of college. Like, to the point that I would stay in my room for two or three days, except to go to the bathroom or sneak food from the cafeteria. I’d get invited to go places and do things, start thinking about what would happen if I had a panic attack while I was out, then have one right then and just get in bed and make up some excuse as to why I couldn’t go. Basically, I’ve been known to make plans and break them like I’ve got the afternoon and John Mayer’s got this room for two.
I’ve been trying to work on it the past year or so, just so I don’t spend my entire life browsing Reddit and watching Netflix when I could be out doing things. Sometimes even the thought of going to church on Sunday, where I feel totally safe, is too much and I just end up going back to bed. So, if you know me for realsies and I just don’t show up to something you invited me to, now you know why! But I’m trying to be a better person. I am.
I’m off subject.
I can connect with people pretty easily, I think. I just suck at being a friend. I’m really good at disconnecting, too. I left all of my best friends in Georgia. I really don’t talk to any of them much anymore. I’m not torn up about it. Should I be? I don’t know.
I swear I’m not totally insane.
I finished The Fault in Our Stars today. I read the last 3/4 of it in one sitting. (Well, one awkwardly half hanging off my bed-ing.) I knew that it was going to be a sad ending. I didn’t think it would affect me much, if at all, because I thought both Augustus and Hazel were absolutely insufferable, but damn. I had a big, ugly Sookie Stackhouse cry three chapters from the end. The last three pages were particularly rough, too. Still. On the grown-up version of Reading Rainbow in my mind, I high recommend it. But don’t take my word for it.
It’s way past my bedtime. Whoa. Good night, there.