Whoa. Hey, old blog. I just realized I never updated this. I’M NOT DEAD. Nor did I have the surgery. My insurance said absolutely not. However, I am having it next month. Maybe. I’m scheduled for the 26th, but I’m not holding my breath after last year.

Other updates: I started making soap and candles and it’s the best. My Etsy shop is officially launching next month. I finished grad school and had a pretty sweet contract with the school, working on SEO for their site and their YouTube account. That’s over now. I’m going to the beach on the 10th and trying not to spend any money at all until then, which is proving incredibly difficult because I just want to buy all of the fragrance oils for soap.

See you next year, blog.

Two weeks from now, my guts will have been rearranged and I’ll probably be miserable. Yikes. Today, though, is my first day on the gastric bypass pre-op diet, which is 3-4 protein shakes and a small dinner (think one chicken breast and a side of veggeis) for the next two weeks. I’m not mad about it yet. I’m sure I’ll be mad about it by tomorrow. Food has been my best friend since I was, like, 5. I’m still working through The Beck Diet Solution, which is not so much about dieting as it is using cognitive therapy to work on your relationship with food. I started reading it a few months ago when I had my psychological evaluation for surgery and the therapist I saw recommended it, but I kind of forgot about it until recently. It’s been helpful, though.

I’ve been applying for so many jobs for after surgery. No calls back yet. I still haven’t received my first unemployment payment yet and it’s been well over a month since I filed. Being poor is terrible. I have -$80 in my checking account because I was like $10 short on my Geico automatic payment and got overdrafted to death. And I just remembered my car payment is due today. Ugh. I should probably put on pants and go to the bank and deposit the last of my cash. I just typed “the last of my pants.” I have lots of pants. If Honda would take pants as payment, I’d be all set. Five more payments to go and the CARDIS is all mine!

If you want to help my poor ass be less poor, you can buy some Jamberry from me. Or maybe some of my cross stitch stuff. It’s seriously my life right now.

Okay. Pants. Bank. 2-3 more protein shakes before I can chew something. I’ve got this.

I’ve had this note on my whiteboard for the past three months that just says “blog.” I guess it’s time to do something about that, so here I am.

I always say I want to write more regularly, but I can’t ever make myself do it, especially now that school is over. Here’s the thing, though.

I finally have a surgery date.

I’ll be having gastric bypass on July 6th.

Yipes.

I’m also going on vacation for the first time in forever the week of June 21st. I have to have two weeks of a semi-liquid diet, meaning 3-4 protein shakes instead of breakfast and lunch, then a small dinner. Guess when this starts! June 22nd! Yay! This is going to be the best vacation. I’ve been having food funerals for like three weeks now. I think I’ve gained like 20 pounds, but it’s been a delicious 20 pounds.

So, yeah. I’m going to write about this whole thing. I am. I swear. I’m gonna do it.

In other news, I became a Jamberry independent consultant a few months ago. I know, right? That doesn’t sound like my thing at all. I’m surprised, too! It’s totally my thing now. Over the past two months, I’ve made almost as much with Jamberry as I have with my regular job. It’s pretty crazy. Want a free sample? You do. I know you do. Click here and let me know.

That’s really all I’ve got for now. I just wanted to feel less stressed about the note on my whiteboard, tbh. I love you all very much. Have a good night. Make good choices. I’ll see you soon.

Hey, blog.

It’s been a minute, huh? Yikes. I missed you. I had a bit of a breaking point that made me want to start blogging again, but I’ll get to that later. Let’s talk about what I’ve been doing since June.

• I did go to that CrossFit class. I went to three, actually. I didn’t die, obvs, but I wanted to. But in a good way. I’m just too poor to actually go to them for realsies.
• I started grad school! I’m working on a Master of Professional Writing at Chatham University in Pittsburgh. I’m in the second week of my second term and I love it.
• Still hanging out with chickens. They’re grown-ass women now, laying eggs and everything. They grow up so quick.
• I’m back in bariatric surgery mode. I know, I know. I just think this is the best thing for me. I’m tired of feeling like shit. Surgery should be sometime this spring.
• That’s…really it. Damn. My life is boring.

So, the breaking point. I joined a biggest loser challenge thing at the gym where I took the CrossFit classes. I had to get weighed in today and I was over the measurable limit on the scale. I almost cried. About my weight. For the first time since high school. Not even cool. I have to lose about 30 pounds for surgery, which is 10% of where I’m at now. This is doable. I met one of my teammates and our coach tonight and we did a little circuit workout, which was great. I’ve been doing whatever workout videos I find online/in random drawers in my bedroom, so it was nice to actually have some social interaction while my glasses are sweat-sliding down my face.

I guess it’s back to the C’mon, Fatso of 2010, then, huh? Good to see you again.

Well, friends. I finally did it. I went an entire month without writing anything at all. It wasn’t intentional, but it happened. I have ideas for this blog. Big ones. Ones that’ll work best when my life isn’t chaotic. Until then, let’s call a hiatus. It’s not you. It’s certainly me.

In the meantime, here are some of my highest-rated/most-read posts over the past fiveish years.

Death by Icebreakers — That time I almost keeled over in Target because of a mint. My top post!

My pastor called me fat — One of my favorite stories from the cult.

Fat girl at the gym — The first time I ever went to a real gym. My second-top post!

Here we are. — My first post ever!

I’m fat and I love myself — Last but certainly not least, an ode to myself because I am amazing.

See you soon, blog.

ps. I’m going to CrossFit tomorrow so I may be dead in 24 hours.

When I was in high school, I used to daydream about what it was going to be like to be a grownup. Like, I would probably spend Friday nights with my obscenely cool friends, drinking Cosmos and talking to cute guys. Then I’d come home to my Felicity-like huge apartment, snuggle up in my gigantic bed with one of those big, cuddly down comforters, go to sleep, and wake up around 11:00 to go to brunch with the same impossibly hip people.

But really, I’m spending Friday night half asleep. Three glasses of wine and I’m done for the night, lying in (my tiny, tiny) bed (in my parents’ house) by 9:30, scrolling absentmindedly through Pinterest and trying to decide if I want to sleep now or blog now. Obviously, I’m blogging now. Why? Because I like you.

And my best friends right now happen to be the six chickens I got last weekend. If we’re friends on any sort of social media, you know that I am absolutely smitten by these ladies. It’s ridiculous. I’ve never really wanted kids. This is the closest I’m going to get. And I’m okay with that.  Bailey isn’t. She hates them. And they’re going to be bigger than her in a few months. Or probably less. The last class I took that involved chickens was in 1999. I was in FFA. Future Farmers of America. And now I type for a living.

So, I’m over the Whole 30 thing. It was turning into an eating disorder for me. Food is meant to be enjoyed, damn it. I’ve been working on a post in my mind about the whole thing all week, but right now I can’t find the words I wanted. Seriously, three small glasses of wine. What happened to me? But yeah. Let’s get a pizza sometime. You know who you are*.

Good night, blog. See you in a few weeks or maybe tomorrow or maybe next year. I don’t know.

Here’s a picture, for the sake of having a preview picture when I post this on Facebook. This is how I try to live my life. You should, too.

*I mean you, whoever’s reading this. I probably like you, and I love pizza more than I like most people. I also really like nachos and bad movies. Let’s go out.